Dear fellow shopper who pushed his way to number 38, scattering around whoever stood in his way,
With the festive season upon us, you will probably not be up yet: maybe you are coping with a hangover after a massive bash, unless you tripped over your own trousers, which were so low that I could practically see your lingerie…
Wherever you are, in a quiet hospital ward, recovering from a broken nose, or in your own bed, I have decided to leave you a little memento of our meeting yesterday, to greet you, when you come around.
These few poor words are for you: in praise of your unique approach to using public transport, show them to everyone you know, especially your mum and dad.
THANK YOU, dear fellow bus-user, for your forward thinking, which to this narrow-minded person seemed like bad taste and rudeness. After careful reflection, I see it for what it was: a sophisticated attempt to educate your fellow human beings. (That’s us, the people around you, you probably cannot see us under your fringe, but if you brushed it aside now and then, you could!)
After mature and careful consideration, I have finally understood the reason why you shafted me aside together with a couple, one actually eligible for a free bus pass. (For people outside the UK: this is a perk for the over 60s)
You wanted to educate us.
Your forceful passage through us naive people, who were (sort of) queuing to gain access to the bus, was a witty lesson in history, anthropology and religious studies all at once: you wanted to act out Moses’ parting the Red Sea, to lead his people out of Egypt. You were Moses and we were the Red Sea. This would explain why, after boarding the bus, you cast a vague glance at us and gave us a sort of smirk.
You felt like the patriarch, the leader who admonishes the slow, older fellow travellers to catch up. THANKS, I had not grasped this immediately. My first, uneducated, thought was: “Do you think you are clever, don’t you? You low-life, low- waistline moron!”
Now, I blush at my unworthy thought!! Peto veniam, I beg your pardon …
There could be a further explanation: hearing your melodic voice in your witty exchange on the phone (I see now that there were actual words in between your grunts and swear words), I gather you like science: Dr Who seemed to be very much in your thoughts, so I see now that your precepts could have something to do with science.
I thought, I re-thought and I got it: EUREKA!! You were giving us a practical demo of Newton’s Three Laws of Motion
1) You shafted us to prove that an object’s natural tendency is inertia, until a force is applied to it: you were the force, we were the objects. 1st Law of Motion proved!
2) My falling (face down), was a handy reminder that, when a force acts on an object, the object moves in the direction of the said force. The larger the force, the greater the acceleration. That’s why I fell just in your direction and, because you are a such strappy young lad, my acceleration was quite considerable (you should have heard the thud! You did not because you had your smart phone playing music not only audible to you, but to all of us – thanks for a further gift BTW)- 2nd Law of Motion proved!
3) When the others were thrown off balance by your youthful exuberance, they – bless them – proved the 3rd Law of Motion right. When force is applied to an object, the force of reaction is equal and acts in the opposite direction to the force. That’s why they fell in the opposite direction of your irresistible force.
NEWTON’S ALL EXPLAINED in a few seconds! HOW I wish kids had been present to see it all!! Maybe we can arrange it, we could go to schools re-enacting the whole episode – much more useful than carol singing! What do you reckon? Are you in? (I don’t mean ‘in jail’)
So, dear fellow bus pass traveller, I conclude this letter with tears in my eyes: THANKS. And, please, forgive this hasty and judgemental woman who had you down for a manner-less Neanderthal, when in fact you are benefactor to human kind.
I look forward to our next meeting. Perhaps next time we can approach other subjects: maybe a revision of the Cultural Revolution (we could report each other to the police, you could report me for giving you a black eye and I could report you for GBH due to your dazzling bus-boarding technique)… just a thought…
Meanwhile, I wish you a very happy Xmas Season and may you find friends worthy of you.
Yours in hope,
Marella Albion (the one who fell at your feet on bus 38)